


紅線 ー The Red String of Fate

by shinchiisanakyojin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, But also cute (maybe), Fluff, Hurt, M/M, Multiple Timelines, Traveling to different universes, Very melodramatic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:12:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4466696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinchiisanakyojin/pseuds/shinchiisanakyojin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The two people connected by the red string of fate are destined to be lovers, regardless of place, time or circumstances... But no one ever said that love would last forever.</p><p>[HIATUS]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> As I said on Tumblr, I started writing this story because it was taking over my head and blocking the progression of Aesthetics. (ー_ー;)  
> This time I wanted to try something very different from the things I usually write, so I'm pretty nervous about it. (；・∀・) I hope you don't find it too... Dramatic? Hahaha!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! ( ´∀｀)

_Jean Kirstein, 28 (2015)_

Human life is fragile. While it might sound like an obvious statement, it is easily forgettable. As soon as we leave our houses in the morning, there is always a risk. But we never think about it, we never fear it.

Though, sometimes, we should.

I started my day by waking up to the sound of the rain hitting the windows. Armin laid next to me, sleeping soundly until I touched his face. I never meant to wake him up, but my body moved faster than my mind. In a few seconds my lips were softly touching his as I stroked his cheek.

“Mning...” His mumbled response came with a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips.

“Mornin'.” I replied, kissing his jaw.

Armin made a few more sounds, trying to say something as he caressed my head. His touches were so gentle and comforting that my head slowly lowered, resting on top his soft hair spread on his pillow.

“Ow.” He complained as he tried to move his head so his cheek would touch mine.

“Sorry.” I chuckled and rose my head, moving his hair to a safe position, closer to his head.

His smell was all over the place. All over our bed and it was starting to drive me crazy. It was so easy for him to make me feel this way.

I placed several kisses along his neck and shoulders as his hand stroked my nape. Not that I had any intentions of holding back from the very start, but at that moment I probably wouldn't be able to.

I sat on my heels, realizing I had unconsciously placed my left leg between his. I held both his hands in mine and lowered myself to kiss his stomach, receiving a sigh in response.

His eyes were still half-closed but I could see already see a hint of his deep blue eyes under his eyelids. I kissed his lips again, not so softly this time. I took a look at him again and he was smiling at me. A very low and soft sigh escaped my lips before I could stop it. Ten years together and he could still make me act like a child with a simple smile.

 

\---------------------------------

 

It was about noon when we got to Marco's place. I could see the shadow of him getting in front of the peephole before he opened the door, just enough for us to get in.

“Hey. Glad you came. We need all the help we can get.” Marco said.

“Yeah, a bunch of others chickened out.” Connie said, not looking at them as he shoved a few molotov cocktails in a backpack. “This one is good to go.”

He handed the bag over to Sasha, who placed it in a line. There were about two or three of them. We always prepared them, but mostly never used. They were meant for emergencies, like the police beating one of us so hard they would probably kill the person. Still, when I looked at Armin I saw his eyes were lowered. He did not like this, I knew. But I left my anger, my will to fight back against a government so corrupt that did not leave any resources to health, education, security — or anything else for that matter  — , a government that did not allow us to have the most basic rights such as marriage or knowledge, take over me. I let the anger of not being able to speak up without getting beaten by five cops blind me.

It's not like Armin did not want to fight. But he did not like it. He did not want to hurt anyone, nor did he want to die. He simply wanted to live a safe and happy life with me. He wanted to wake up by my side, everyday, just as much as I wanted to do the same with him.

We left the house, a few of us carrying the backpacks Connie had prepared. We didn't have enough gas masks, so we selected those who would wear them. I wanted to give Armin mine, but he refused. If it came to it, apparently his death would cause less harm to the group itself than mine. Bullshit.

We finished all the preparations and Armin was ready to leave. He would go first to the starting point of the manifestation and think of a safe route, based on the cops' rounds.

“Okay, I'm ready.” He said.

“You forgot something.” I said in a low voice, closing up the space between us.

“Hm? What?” Armin looked around, and turned to me.

I raised his head and gave him a kiss.

“I love you.”

“I-I love you too.” Armin chuckled, feeling a little awkward.

“Oh my God, get a room.” Connie said, passing right between us, making sure to push us away from each other.

“We have room.” I told Connie, smiling. “And we'll be back to it tonight.”

That one was directed at Armin. He smiled at me and put his hair behind one of his ears.

“So, Armin, you go first and check the situation. We're counting on you to lead us to the starting point, alright?”

“Got it.” Armin confirmed, taking out his phone from his pocket. He left the house, pretending to be just a normal guy, checking out his phone.

We waited for quite a while before his call came in. Marco passed on the instructions and we followed. Armin was waiting for us in a dark alley, where we made all the preparations. We put our gas masks, and those without one used a simple surgical mask to protect themselves. It would not help much, but it was better than nothing. Of course that thought just made my heart ache.

Ever since we had left the house in the morning, I had been feeling unease. I thought it was simply because we were about to, once again, get beaten up for demanding rights that should be ours in the first place, so I just bottled it up and moved on.

As soon as we left the alley, all the people walking on the streets just widened their eyes and ran. They knew what was about to happen and they sure wanted nothing to do with it. We rose our posters and our voices and moved along the street. We could see owners closing their shops with clients still inside, people running and begging for shelter.

It took less than twenty minutes of walking before we faced a police barricade. We stopped, holding our position and got ready. I could see Connie's hand slipping inside his backpack as he continued to shout. Armin held a poster as high as he could, with shaking hands.

One of the guards took out a megaphone and started the usual speech.

“Manifestations against the government are not accepted according to the laws of this country. You are now under arrest. Drop your belongings and remove your masks at once.”

“WE WON'T!” Marco shouted. “WE ARE PEOPLE, JUST LIKE YOU! WE DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS OUTSIDE OF THIS COUNTRY! WE DESERVE TO HAVE DECENT SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS!”

“If you don't surrender peacefully, we'll be forced to use drastic measures. Please surrender peacefully.” The police officer started once again, looking tired.

“WHY ARE YOU HERE TRYING TO STOP US INSTEAD OF GOING AFTER THE REAL CRIMINALS THAT GET AWAY WITH RAPES AND MURDERS???” Marco continued, though we could sense the hesitation in his voice.

By this time, we knew the police's speech by heart, but this was the first time the guard used the word “drastic measures” instead of “the necessary precautions”. Something was different this time, but we did not realize what it was until we heard a noise, louder than anything we had ever heard and Marco fell. Not a simple “lost balance” kind of fall. For a second there, Marco was like a rag doll, simply falling to the side, his head making a thump against the ground.

All of us stood there, in silence, until the sound of clicks took our eyes away from Marco's figure to look at the cops. Behind the shield barrier, all of the officers had their weapons in hand. Not the usual baton, but actual guns, all pointed at us. I looked at Armin and I could clearly see the panic in his eyes. He continued to hold the poster, but it was now at the level of his chest.

The rest went on in he blink of an eye. The guys in the front line fell, almost at the same time, just like Marco had ,and everyone else ran away. I looked around and found Armin for a second, but the gas bombs came and I couldn't see anything else anymore.

I heard shots being fired all around me and in my mind I could only imagine Armin getting hit by one of them. Armin falling just like Marco had. I tried to take these thoughts of my mind, but hearing Sasha's desperate scream through the smoke didn't help. I ran in her direction and saw her knelt, trying to pull Connie away from the shots.

“CONNIE!!! CONNIE, PLEASE WAKE UP!!!” She shouted.

“S-SASHA, WE GOTTA GO!!!” I said, forcefully pulling her away.

I could see from the amount of blood in her clothes that Connie was not waking up any more. We continued to run for a long time before we finally found an alley to hide. I hid inside a dumpster and pulled her to sit beside me holding her in my arms.

I could see she was trying her best to quiet her sobs, but she could not. So when I heard footsteps getting closer and I covered her mouth with my hand. It hurt me to do so, but I had to. Marco, Connie... They were both gone and I couldn't lose her too. My thoughts ended up going back to Armin. I just hoped he was fine as I rested my head on Sasha's, keeping her quiet.

 

\---------------------------------

 

It took some long hours for things to calm down. It was about three in the morning and Sasha was absolutely silent, just as the streets. There wasn't a single sound.

“We gotta go.” I whispered to her.

She did not say anything, but he moved away from me, ready to get out. As we left I could see the amount of blood Connie had left on her clothes. She couldn't see that, and she could not  _be seen_ like that, so I took off my jacket and put it around her.

“It's a little chilly.” I lied.

We headed back to the place where it all began. In a normal place, you would expect the corpses to have been removed, and traffic gone back to normal. But not here. Not in this shitty country. Our comrades were being used as a warning. “This is what happens if you go against the government.”, their corpses were silently saying.

“I'll... Check the...” I still could not say the words. Somewhere in my heart I still had hopes to find at least one of those people alive. “You go look around. Try to find someone, okay?”

Sasha hesitated, but did as she was told. She still would not say a word and her eyes looked empty. I walked around and felt my heart being pierced with every face I recognized. I found what seemed to be Connie on the ground and felt glad to have sent Sasha away. It seemed the molotov cocktails he carried exploded and the back of his body was mostly gone. I took a deep breath and held back my tears, moving on.

I finally reached the front lines and saw Marco's body on the ground. Unlike Connie, his body looked unharmed, except for that single bullet hole, right in the middle of his forehead. I crouched beside him, supporting my head with my hands, trying to control the tears that stubbornly continued to leave my eyes.

“Jean!” I finally heard Sasha's voice, though I did not like its tone. It was way too fearful.

I got up and headed straight to the alley she was in. I new what I was about to see. I knew who was in there. I knew that feeling I had since this morning wasn't for nothing. Still, seeing the man I had been exchanging kisses just the morning before laying dead against a dumpster made my heart drop.

From that moment on it was like watching a movie. I saw my body kneeling down and hugging Armin, holding him as close as I had held him the morning before. I saw my hand touching his face, or the small part of it that still reminded me of the man he used to be.

“Jean, not not so loud, please! They'll find us out!” Sasha said and made me realize the reason my vision had been so blurry. I had been waling for the hole time. “We... We have to go.”

She said, not seeming to have any more tears to cry. I denied with my head. I could not. I could not leave him. Not here, not like this.

“Jean, please... We gotta go... If they find us out, we'll die. Please...” She said, placing my head on her shoulder.

“W-Why? Why him? He... He never hurt anyone. He... He just...”

“I-... I don't know, Jean. We-... We gotta go, please.”

“I can't, Sasha. I brought this on him. I can't... I can't leave him, he's everything to me.”

“I know, Jean, but... H-He's...” Apparently I was wrong. Sasha could still cry. She held my face, touching my forehead with hers. “He's not here anymore...”

“He is! He's... Right here...” My voice faltered, knowing it was a lie, but I still tried to convince myself otherwise.

“N-...No, he's not, Jean. We gotta go. Please. We can't die too. Come on.”

She used all her strength to forcefully pull my arms from around Armin. It took her a while, but she managed to get me away from him and we headed to her place.

 

\---------------------------------

 

The rest of my days became grey. I always thought it was some cliché expression, used in movies, but it was not. My world really seemed to have lost its colors. I ate once or twice a day, and never much. At least it was good for my wallet, since I could not go back to work. I had been fired after two weeks of not showing up or answering my phone.

My life had a new routine. If before I would wake up and kiss the man I loved more than life itself, go to work, get back, eat dinner with him and enjoy out time together until I went back to sleep; now I barely left the bed. I woke up and simply laid there, staring at Armin's empty pillow until my body forced me to eat something. I would eat a simply sandwich or cookies and head back to the safety of my blankets. Some days I would take a shower, or simply got under the falling water, but it was never more than once or twice a week.

“Jean, you gotta leave the house.” Sasha said. “Please, come see me.”

“...” I did not reply. I did not know how to. I did not want to go, and I knew I would not.

“Jean, you-... You're not the only one suffering, you know?” I could hear her crying voice, which made my heart drop. “I... I can't deal with both our sorrows. We have... We have to stick together. Please... Leave the house and come see me.”

She was right. I had been selfish. I had to see her. Just like me, she also lost the one she loved the most.

“Okay. Okay, I'll go. I'm sorry... Please, don't cry. I'm sorry.”

“It's fine. Just come. We have to support each other and... Get over it.” I could hear the hesitation in her voice.

“I'll see you in a bit.”

I hung up, took a proper shower and finally left the house. I felt weak from the lack of a proper meal, but I still did not feel like eating. Even so, I forced myself to buy a bread on the bakery and slowly ate it on the way to Sasha's place.

As I took the usual shortcut under the overpass, I looked in the river's direction to find something that made my mind go blank for a second. As if it was a dream, there he was, walking in front of me, looking around like someone who was merely taking a stroll.

“...Armin...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here I am. I was finally able to review this chapter, so there you go! This chapter is sort of an introduction, so it has a slow pace like the first, but things are getting better from the next chapter on, in which the story will really begin. ヽ(´▽｀)/ 
> 
> About the content... This chapter was painful to write. Why do I write these things? Damn.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy it!

_Armin, 23 (868)_

It was the night before our next expedition and Jean had just returned from dinner. We had exited the wall and established a standby point inside one of the abandoned buildings.

I was laying in bed, reading a small book I usually carried with me. Jean laid right next to me, kissing me on the neck and caressing my cheek with his thumb.

“Book time is over, it's Jean time now.” He stated, almost taking the book off my hands.

“Hang on!” I laughed, continuing my reading. “I'm almost done!”

“No, sorry, time is over.” He was faster and took it off my hands, making sure to put his index finger between the pages I was reading.

“You're so annoying.” I gave him a kiss, not even angry.

“I know. And so are you.”

He put the book down with care, with the pages facing down to mark its pages and laid on top of me. He was warm and absolutely stunning, specially without a shirt. The exposed marks he had gained from using the 3D Maneuver Gear for so long attracted my fingers and I gently touched them.

“You are really sexy.” I whispered.

It took me years to be able to say this kind of thing. I always thought Jean was attractive and we slowly built our relationship, but being so straightforward was still hard for me, even after all those years.

“I'm not the only one.”

He kissed me and my lips formed a smile. I couldn't help noticing he had gladly accepted my compliment, taking it as true. But that was probably one of the characteristics that made me love him.

“We should sleep. We'll have a long day tomorrow.” I told him, touching his defined arms.

“Yeah...” He sighed and took one of my hands, kissing its palm. “I wish we had more time together. We never stop, we barely spend time together outside work.”

“That is the life we chose to ourselves. There's no turning back from that.”

I looked into his eyes and it was like looking into a mirror. I understood his feeling all too well. We left those walls to risk our lives. We left, hoping we could make it to the next day, just to start it all over again.

The others soon entered the room and we had to stay away from each other. Everyone knew we were together, but it was not the time to exchange affection. We shared a bed, but slept right after putting on the straps for our gear. It was uncomfortable, but it was safer in case of a sudden attack.

 

\---------------------------------

 

I had a weird dream that night. I sat in a room, with Jean and he was asleep in a chair. I called his name many times but he wouldn't wake up. I shook him, shouted, but he wouldn't move an inch.

I woke up all of a sudden, terrified by that nightmare. Jean didn't open his eyes, but his hand clumsily reached my cheek.

“What is it, Armin?” He asked, barely opening his mouth.

“N-Nothing. I just had a nightmare.” I kissed his cheek, cuddling with him. “Let's go back to sleep.”

“Hm-hm...” He replied, but I wasn't sure he was even listening in the first place.

I closed my eyes and was ready to fall asleep in the warmth of his chest when I heard a loud thump. I didn't want to believe it, but I had heard that sound so many times there was no way I wouldn't recognize it. Almost ten years of that terrifying sound, resonating in my years. My hands were shaking as I got up and opened the window. I looked down, just in time to see a fifteen meter class smash his hardened hand against the side of the castle.

The loud noise and the shaking of the building made the others wake up. Eren jumped out of bed and Jean fell off ours.

“What the f-...” Before Jean could even finish his sentence, the building started to lean to the side.

“We have to go! Everybody get up!” I shouted, pulling Jean by the arm.

“Come on! We gotta put gears!” Eren shouted, putting on his own.

Even after years of constantly putting the equipment it still took a few seconds. And it was on those exact few seconds that it happened.

With a second blow, the building finally started to collapse. With gravity working against me I feel to the side before I could use my gear and hit my head on the wall that had been turned into the ground.

I woke up with Jean shouting my name and a heavy weight on top of me. My ribs hurt and so did the back of my head.

“ARMIN, WAKE UP!!!” Jean shouted, from the air, after finishing off a titan.

I could hear the despair in his voice. I tried to move but the huge debris on top of me would not allow me to. I panicked as I saw a titan approaching. I tried so hard to move, but it was useless. I knew I was going to die, I was sure of it. Thinking about it now, I rather have. I wish I had lost my life so I would not take Jean's.

He attacked the titan that was about to get me with the excellency expected from such a soldier. But no soldier is invincible. No soldier could deal with the other three titans that came at him at once.

A transformed Eren came, a second later. A second too late to stop me from seeing the man I loved get torn into pieces. A second too late to stop me from seeing his desperate face as he looked at me. The worst part is that I knew what that expression meant. Six years together, facing all kinds of life-endangering situations made me know that expression all too well. He was still thinking about me. He was still worried that after they were done with him, they would go after me.

But they did not. As I said, Eren came. And that is all I know. My mind stopped working until I found myself being shaken by a human Eren.

“Armin! Armin, talk to me! Are you okay???” He asked.

“...Jean...” It was the first thing I remembered.

Eren face turned pale as the moon that had been shining all night. I got up and fell again from the pain. My foot seemed to be hurt too, but I did not care. I clumsily ran into the fog created by the titan's blood, not caring about my skin being burnt by the heat.

The sound of my friends calling out my name served as background for my desperate search. I did not know why, I just had to find him. Any part of him, anything. The thing is, they always say “Be careful with what you wish for”, and they are not wrong. I realized that as soon as I found half of Jean's head, attached to a single shoulder by the leftovers of a neck.

I fell on my knees by his side, one hand on each side of what was left of his body, and I shouted as tears rolled from my eyes uncontrollably. I wanted to touch him, to hold him in my arms, but I could not. There was nothing there for me to hold. I could only cry and grab the soil under my hands, strong enough for the pressure of it to hurt my palms.

Someone touched my shoulder and I lowered my head to the ground, hiding what was left of my only love with my body. I did not want to leave. I would not leave. Why did he die? Why did he have to protect me? Why am I so useless? All those questions that had left my mind a long time ago came back. I was a child again, learning once more how cruel was the world we lived in.

 

\---------------------------------

 

It took me a while to leave the bed. After the mission they brought me straight to the hospital to fix my broken ribs and fractured bones. My friends would come, but I could not properly talk to them. I wanted to, I wanted to reply to their questions, but I could not. I felt hopeless.

Ever since I had been discharged Eren had been doing his best to cheer me up. He was being incredibly sweet, but I was unable to smile. I knew it was unfair, but I could not do anything about it. My body simply would not react the way I wished it would.

The moment I walked back into the barracks I saw every eye in the room focus on me. I tried to ignore it, sat on the bed I usually shared with Jean and touched the soft sheets. I let out a breath, but did not cry. There did not seem to be any more tears left anyway.

“Do you guys need anything from me?” I asked, tired of the looks of pity coming from my comrades.

They all seemed surprised by my rudeness, but at that moment it did not matter.

“Uhh... How are you feeling?” Connie started. “I-I mean... Are you okay? Huh... Your body, is it healed?”

He seemed nervous, not sure how to approach me.

“I'm fine. Thank you.” I said, getting up. “I'll go take a walk now. Excuse me.”

I left the room not bothering to look back. Not only I had to deal with losing Jean, but I had become pitiful. I wondered why no one seemed to understand that all I wanted was to forget it and move on? I tried so hard, but all those looks just made me remember everything that happened that night in the castle.

My aimless stroll took me closer to the woods, where I caught the glimpse of a light. It was not so dark for anyone to be lighting up candles, nor was it normal to do so inside the forest, so I decided to investigate it.

As I got closer I could see the light, but that was it. An enormous purple-ish light, almost the size of my body, just floating on air. I approached it with caution, getting a small rock from the floor and gently throwing at it. It seemed to have gone through it, but as I checked the other side there was no sign of it.

I might have been mistaken, so I chose a bigger rock, with a distinctive shape and repeated the experiment. It was gone, just like the first one. I had no idea what it was, but that thing caught my attention. I got just a little bit closer, in order to examine it better and saw my hair floating in it's direction. It was definitely attracting anything that approached it, so I tried using a stick to measure it's strength. It was incredibly strong, and it took the stick from me in a second. I knew I should not get any closer.

...Of course I was not counting on Eren showing up.

“Armin, is that you?”

I was so focused on the light, that Eren's loud voice made me jump, losing my balance and falling forward, just enough to be sucked into the light. As I grabbed the dirt, trying to stay out of it I saw Eren approaching and shouting my name.

I blacked out for a second and woke up beside a river. My head was spinning and my surroundings were loud. Very loud. There was a long construction, like a giant bridge of some sort and some machines responsible for the insufferable noises. I was sure it was a dream until I tried to cover my ears and noticed the dirt on my hand. It was still there from when I tried to grab it.

I got up, quickly washed my hands on the river and escalated the slope leading to a street. The concrete seemed a little different from what I usually saw and so did the buildings. They seemed taller and less appealing, with endless windows. I spent a long time observing my surroundings before hearing a much familiar voice calling my name.

“...Armin...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waaa~~ I hope the "teleport" part wasn't too lame. ._. I thought a lot about it, but it had to be like this.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! ヾ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ Happy Holidays!
> 
> Thank you for the lovely comments last chapter! They were very motivational! (ˋωˊ)9 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this new chapter too! Havê a good reading!

_Jean, 28 (2015)_

He turned in my direction with widened eyes. I pressured my eyes with my hands, taking a deep breath. “Stop it. He's not there. He's not real. Armin died. You saw him.” I repeated those words to myself in my mind, hoping the message would get through my brain and I would become unable to see him.

It didn't work. When I opened my eyes, he was still there, looking at me, getting closer and closer with his stumbling legs. 

“J-...Jean...” The sound of him calling my name send shivers to my spine. 

I decided to ignore him. He was not there and he would never be. I just remembered the way he called my name all too well for my own good. 

“You... How can you...” He continued.

“Oh, fuck you. You're a fucking illusion or some shit. Don't try to sound sad.” I muttered, lowering my head and doing my best to ignore his sobbing voice.

“ _I'm_ a...?” 

Suddenly, a hang grabbed my arm, turning me around. Both of us stared at the point where our limbs met, absolutely in shock. I took my arm away and touched the spot Armin's hand had been. He had touched me. He had actually touched me. How was this even possible? Could an illusion be so strong you could physically _feel_  it?

I wasn't sure if I was going crazy or what, but all I knew is that there was no way Armin would be there. I had seen him dead. I held his dead body in my arms as I cried and called his name. I rushed to Sasha's place, not even looking back and banged on the door.

“Hey...” She said, opening the door with caution. “Is everything okay? Why are you knocking on my door like a crazy person?”

“I-I'm sorry, I just... I-I'm not okay, Sasha.” I took the liberty of getting into the house on my own. 

“What happened? You look pale.”

“...I'm going crazy. I-I saw him. I saw... Armin.” 

“...What? What do you mean you _saw_ Armin?”  She closed the door with an incredulous expression.

“I saw him. I fucking saw him! He even... He even touched me. H-His hand, his hand grabbed me right here!” I said, showing her the arm as if it was proof of my words.

“Jean, okay, calm down. Everything will be alright, okay? Let's just... Talk about something else. We gotta take your mind off him. Seriously. Let's-Let's have dinner! I'll go buy some things for us, okay? Or do you wanna go out?”

“No. No people for now.” 

“Okay, okay. No problem. It'll be fine, just... Chill.” She said, taking her purse and leaving.

“ _Chill”_ she had said. How could I when I was clearly going crazy? I took a deep breath and headed into the kitchen. The sink was a mess. Sasha had always been messy, but this was too much, even for her. She had been supporting me for such a long time I forgot she too had lost a loved one. I started doing the dishes, as a small payment for all her help and a distraction to my own mind,

I focused on it for a long while, before I took a look outside to find him again, standing there, looking at me. I dropped everything, getting out. I knew I was about to shout at nothing  but thin air , but I didn't care.

“GO AWAY!” I shouted and his eyes widened. “You. Are. Not. Here. You aren't fucking _real_!” 

I said, grabbing his arm, sure my hand would go right through it. But it did not. I squeezed his arm, enough for him to complain.

“Ow! Stop that!” He pushed me away.

“You're not real!” I shouted once more, trying to convince myself.

“Jean.” Sasha's voice interrupted me. “...He's not... He's really there.”

She stared at Armin with widened eyes and pale skin, dropping the groceries bags in her hands. I turned back at Armin and approached him slowly. Sasha had seen him too. He was actually there.

I ended up touching his cheek and caressing it with my thumb, like I had done so many times, including  _that_ morning. Armin closed his eyes, letting out a loud sigh, as if he had missed my touch for far too long. 

My forehead touched his before I even realized and I held his face in my hands. It all felt so natural, so familiar. I did not understand what was happening, but he was really there, with me.

“Jean.” Sasha's voice woke me up from my trance. “Get inside. Come on, both of you.” 

I let go of Armin and we did as we were told.

“Why... Why are you here?” I asked, not sure how to get over the whole almost-kissed-my-supposedly-dead-boyfriend situation. “You were under the overpass and...”

“Is that what you call the tall bridge?” He interrupted, looking around as if he had never walked into Sasha's place before.

“... 'Tall... bridge'? Hm... Yeah? I guess?” I was confused before, but now it seemed like a crazy dream, just waiting for me to wake up. 

“And what are those machines outside? And that... Thing.” He pointed at the TV. “And... This too.” 

He approached the phone, examining it without touching it. He seemed anxious.

“Okay, this is... This is too weird. How can he be alive and... And how can he not know anything? I don't understand.” Sasha put her hands on her head as if Armin's words were making it hurt.

“I don't know, just... Relax. Armin.” I called and he promptly reacted to his name. “What are you doing here? You didn't answer.”

“I... Followed you.” He lowered his head. “I wanted to make sure you'd be safe. I didn't want you to... To get...” 

He put his hands together on his chest, holding back his tears.

“A-Armin, hey...”

“I couldn't let you get eaten. Not again. I... I couldn't let the titans get you again.”

At this point the level of insanity had reached its limit. Actually, it had gone way over the limit, crossing the barriers of the universe.

“Okay, okay, Armin, what the fuck is a titan? Like... The giant... Thing from the mythology?”

“ You're really not him, are you? ” Armin  looked straight into my eyes and I could see how much he suffered.

“Okay, okay, calm down. You're in a city called Trost, my name is Jean Kirstein, this is my friend Sasha Braus.”

“Trost? This isn't Trost! This... This place, it's not...” 

He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. He paced along the living room, inhaling and exhaling, his hands resting on his hips. He was definitely Armin.

“... What year is it?” He looked terrified as his eyes found a picture of Sasha and Connie's wedding, with the date: _01/04/2009_. 

“It's 2015.” I answered.

“... It brought me to the future.” He muttered under his breath.

“What?” I got closer.

“The light brought me to the future. T-That's... But, but it can't be _just_ that. If it was just the future, you wouldn't be alive. You wouldn't look the same. You wouldn't be _exactly_ the same.”

“Armin, what are you talking about? Is this... Is this for real? Like... What light? You...” 

I wanted to say he was crazy. That he was imagining things but... How could I? I had seen him dead, I had suffered for so long without him, but there he was again, right in front of me. Maybe he  _was_ telling the truth. 

“Okay, so... I'll take you to my place. We can get you some normal clothes and try to send you home, okay? And then you can tell me all about that light or whatever.” 

Armin hesitated for a bit but ended up nodding. We were ready to leave when Sasha grabbed my arm. She had a serious look which did not match her face.

“Jean... I don't think this is a good idea. He's not... He's not Armin.” She whispered. “Even if he is who he says he is, he is not _your_ Armin. Don't... Don't delude yourself.” 

I got angry for a second, but I knew it was all because she was right. She was simply worried about me, so I gave her a hug before leaving.

“It's fine, don't worry. I won't.” 

I said that and left with a hint of guilt in my heart.  Even I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep my promise.

  


\---------------------------------

  


I got home and let Armin in. He had spent so much time looking around I wondered how his neck wasn't hurting. Everything seemed so fascinating it was ridiculous to walk around with him. He had spent fifteen minutes, inspecting every angle of someone else's car before I finally took him away. 

We got home and I gave him the remote so he would be entertained as I got him some clothes. It worked like magic. He tested every single button, he stood as far away as he could from the TV to use it... He was enchanted by it. His smile reminded me so much of my Armin that it made my heart ache.

But I didn't realize how much more it could ache when I opened his drawer on the cabinet. His smell came right out of it and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. Maybe Sasha was right. Maybe this was not a good idea, after all. The scars my Armin had left were still unhealed. I could not simply erase them.

“Jean...” The sound of his voice calling my name still sent shivers down my spine. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Here. Put these on. Do you want to take a shower or something?” 

“A what?”

“A shower.”

“...What's a shower?” I could not believe his words. 

“Huh... It's... That thing.” I said, taking him to the bathroom. “You turn this faucet and the water comes out.”

“Oh my God! How... How do you do that? This is amazing! A faucet. How ingenious. May I try it?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

After I made all the preparations and taught him how to use the shower, I left and caught myself smiling. I immediately felt guilty and send it away. How could I smile when I still had lost my Armin, the  _real_ Armin? Two months were not enough. Two years, two decades, two centuries would probably not be enough to forget him. 

I headed to the kitchen and realized I had no food to give Armin, so I decided to take him out to dinner. I could buy our breakfast on our way home. Armin left the shower and I tried not to look at him as we left. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to see him in those clothes and think he was the Armin I once knew.

We left without many words. We became limited to him asking about new things and me replying. We ate and left the restaurant, heading for the convenience store around the corner.

“Please stop this.” Armin suddenly asked.

“What?” I turned around to see him staring at me, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. “Don't treat me like this. Please. I'd rather die than have you of all people treating me in such a cold way.” 

I lost it at those words. I pushed him against the wall so I would not do something stupid.

“How dare you!? Don't... Don't you _dare_ say something like this. You'd rather die!? And what about me!? How could you!? HOW COULD YOU DIE AND LEAVE ME!?”

“I SHOULD BE THE ONE SAYING THIS TO YOU!” I froze and Armin pushed me away.

“Sasha was right. I-I should go. This will never work. I'll stay somewhere else. We can't be together. It hurts too much.” 

He started to leave and I wanted to stop him, but I couldn't. I had been such a jerk to someone who had been in the same situation as me.

“Armin.” 

“What?” He still stopped to listen to me. Why did he have to be so much like my Armin?

“...I'm sorry. Please, let's go back. I wanna... Talk to you, but... It's so hard. You remind me so much of him.” I confessed.

“And do you think you don't remind of _my_ Jean?!” He turned around, wiping the tears of his eyes. “You... You remind me of him so much I spend all day looking at you. Making sure you're in one piece. Wanting to touch you so much it drives me crazy. Just because I'm smiling it doesn't mean I'm happy.” 

“... I'm so sorry.” The guilt in my heart got more intense. “Let's get something to eat tomorrow and go back. Let's talk about it. Please.”

“...See? That's what I mean... I can never say 'no' to you.” He sighed. “Let's go. But please, talk to me properly.” 

“I will. I promise.” 

We got into the convenience store, bought our breakfast and headed home. I tried my best to talk to him normally and by the time we got home, the mood was a little less intense. We sat at the table in front of each other to eat the deserts we had bought.

“So, tell me about how you got here.” I started.

“I was taking a stroll and I saw a light. It was big enough to pull me. When I woke up, I was where I found you.”

“This is insane...” I sighed. “Anyway, tomorrow we'll take you back there and try to find a way for you to go back, okay?”

“Okay.” Armin sighed too, seeming exhausted.

“So... You wanna go first?” I asked.

“What?”

“Talking about it. I think we should... Let it out. Say everything we wish we had said, you know, this kind of stuff.” That was the first sane thing I had done in months. “How... Did I die? In your world.”

“...I come from a place surrounded by walls. Enormous walls that protect us from giant creatures called titans. I'm part of a military group called the Survey Corps. We go outside the walls and try to... Find a way to leave. We were outside, exhausted from the battle when we found a place to rest. Titans came and destroyed the building we were in. I was trapped under a debris and...” Armin paused, his spoon stuck in the ice-cream that melted inside its cup. “...And... You came to save me. You... You came to me and I did nothing. You fought over four titans but... When all three came at you... You just couldn't do anything.”

Armin's voice became weaker with every word, his hands were shaking and, though his bangs hid his face I could see tears falling on the tabletop.

“You tried to fight them but they just... _Ate you_.” Those last two words came as a painful whisper. “The only thing left... Was your head and left shoulder. I-I couldn't even touch you anymore...”

By this point Armin was sobbing, with his head supported by his hands. I wanted to do something, to comfort him, but I did not know how to react. That man, that Jean, was me... Though he was not. And the worst part was that I had caused that Armin in front of me so much pain. I wanted to apologize but I did not even know how to.

“I-I'm sorry...” I got up from my chair and got closer, letting him rest his head on my stomach. “I'm sorry for this. I know I'm not him, but... I'm sorry.”

Armin hugged me strongly, crying all he probably had not cried during his mourning. I held him and waited for him to be done. It took about one or two hours, but he finally let go of me.

“I'm sorry I got so... Emotional.” He apologized, taking deep breaths.

“It's fine. You needed it, I'm sure.” I lead him to sit on the couch, brought him some water and pulled a chair for me.

“Thank you for being so understanding.” He drank it all and sighed. “So... Are you ready to tell me what happened to ' _me_ '?”

I took a deep breath, sat back on my chair.

“We don't have walls here. Not physical walls like yours. We have a government to replace it. We can't receive any kind of information from outside our country, we can't leave and people can't get in. We are economically powerful, but our tax money goes to the politicians pockets. People die on our hospital's beds for lack of resources and personnel, and our kids won't receive proper education, just that crap about being patriotic that our government loves so much. We can't vote, we don't get marriage equality, we can't even speak up for ourselves.”

“Wow...” Armin frowned.

“So, me and a group of friends have been protesting against the government for a while. We would usually get bombarded with smoke bombs, we would throw things at them to escape and whoever was left behind would get beaten up. And that was it. But... This time, they...” 

I paused and Armin continued to look me straight in the eyes. I sighed, not wanting to see that face and leaned against my chair, focusing on the ceiling.

“This time they had guns. Marco, one of our friends and the leader was the first one to go down. He got shot in the head and... And after that they started firing at random. We ran, but lost each other in the confusion. Me and Sasha hid on a dumpster until we thought it was safe and then we went back to look for survivors.” I could feel a few tears rolling down as I spoke, so I rested my arms over my eyes. “We... We found you in an alley. T-They beat you up so bad I could barely tell it was you. They didn't even shoot you. You... You must have suffered so much... Why didn't they just _shoot_?” 

I felt Armin's soft touch on my head and moved my arms to look at him. The memory of his disfigured face gave place to his beautiful features, making my heart skip a beat. I involuntarily touched his cheek, caressing it with my thumb. Why did his skin had to feel exactly like my Armin's?

“Man, what's with us and all the crying?” I wiped the tears of my eyes and forced out a chuckle.

“That's because we both lost the ones we loved the most.” Armin said, gently pushing my hair back. “...I loved you so much. So, so, so much.” 

He looked me in the eyes as he said it, but then I saw his them lower to my lips. He always did this when we were in public and he wanted to kiss me. He always looked at my lips and softly bit his.

“...I love you too.” The words came out of my mouth before I could even think about their meaning.

Armin closed his eyes and the gap between our lips.  I got up from my chair to meet him halfway. The soft, gentle kiss might have lasted  for ten seconds or ten minutes. I could n' t tell. Both our brains saying “Don't do it!” while our hearts and bodies told us otherwise. 

“This is so inappropriate.” Armin confessed in a whisper, but his lips did not move a single millimeter away from mine.

“Yeah...” I said as I gave him a peck on the lips, getting away from my chair and closer to him, gently holding his hips.

Armin gave me another two in the same way. Quick and intimate. Those simple kisses you give when you have been with someone for so long. Many of these kissed were exchanged before they started to get longer and deeper. It felt so natural that none of us realized what was happening until Armin's waist hit the TV rack and we found ourselves way closer than we had ever hoped for.

Armin had his hands grabbing my hair and my hips were pressuring his against the rack as our tongues entwined inside his mouth. We let go of each other the second our minds started functioning again.

“We... We shouldn't have.” Armin started, after a few second of silence.

“No. No, we shouldn't.” 

“I have to go back and... This is not... We are not...” He hid his eyes with his hands, thinking hard to form those half-sentences.

“Yeah, yeah. We... We'll get you back. Let's just... Not touch for a while, okay? Like... Let's talk, but let's not get too close to each other, okay?”

“Yes, yes, that sounds reasonable. I'll stay here and...” He said, heading to the couch.

“No. No, please. Take the bed. I can't go back there. I'll think of y-... Him. Let me sleep here.”

“Okay. Thank you.” He headed to the bedroom and I sat on the couch.

So much for not getting deluded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! (´ω｀)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's another chapter for this fic! I hope you guys enjoy. This one is a tiiiiny tiny less sad than the previous. Hahaha! (´▽｀;;)
> 
> Also, this contains manga spoilers. Is THAT spoiler, which I believe everyone that is is this fandom knows, even though they don't read the manga, but still I thought I should give a heads up. LOL!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

_Armin, 23 (2015)_

I woke up with the thought of the kisses I had shared with Jean the previous night filling my head. I knew I missed him, but I never imagined I would miss him _that much_. The worst part was the guilt, though. That man was not my Jean, but deep in my heart all I wanted to do was to go to the living room and kiss him once more.

I walked to the bathroom, washed my face and passed the living room, making sure to avoid looking at Jean. I noticed what seemed to be some kind of big white vesse in the kitchen. Everything in this world was so different, so incredibly well thought that it blew my mind. No titans, no walls, creative gadgets that made the simplest of things even more convenient. The shape reminded me of a box, but as I opened it a cold breeze came out of it. Startled, I closed it but my curiosity made me open it once again.

I was taking a peek inside, trying to understand where the cold was coming from when Jean got into the kitchen.

“Close it, you're wasting energy.” He pushed the door, forcing it to close completely, but he did not seem mad.

“What is this?”

“A refrigerator. It keeps things cold by using electricity.”

“That's the thing you talked about yesterday, right? What makes light without the need of a flame.”

“Yeah. It keeps the houses hot or cold depending on the weather outside, it makes the TV work, etc.”

Jean explained, opening it once again to take some milk from the inside. He poured it into a glass and gave it to me. It was actually cold, which was absolutely unexpected. I had never tasted cold milk and it felt weird. It did not seem natural.

“This tastes weird. What's wrong with this machine?”

“Nothing is wrong with it. It's just not fresh milk. Also, it probably has a lot of chemicals. Actually, I'd be surprise if there was any hint of actual milk in this shit.”

“Then why do you drink this?”

“Because no one drinks fresh milk unless you live in a farm.” Jean smiled and took a strange powder, mixing it with the milk. “Try it.”

It tasted wonderful. So good I let out a sigh.

“This is so good. What did you put in here?”

“Powdered chocolate.”

“Chocolate!? Is this what chocolate tastes like!?”

“You've never had chocolate? Well, might as well taste the real thing.” Jean opened the fridge and took a chocolate bar, giving it to me.

It tasted so good all my problems seemed to disappear. I got so distracted by my own thoughts I ended up eating the whole bar. Jean kept looking at me, with a bitter smile.

“What?” I asked, though I knew very well the reason he looked at me like that.

“Nothing.” Jean lied. “Anyway, we should eat something, I mean, an actual meal before we go search for your light or whatever.”

“Yeah, sure!”

“I gotta go to the market but...” Jean sighed, looking away. “I need to pass by Sasha's place first.”

“Okay. Let's go.”

Jean's behavior was strange, but I did not pay much mind to it. After years of living with a stubborn, proud man I had learned not to insist on such small details. I knew he had a reason for being quiet.

I understood the reason as we reached Sasha's place. Jean asked me to keep my distance as he talked to her in the entryway. His slightly shaky hands took a few bills Sasha had taken from her purse. Jean forced a smile, but never looked at her straight in the eyes. When they were done talking, Sasha waved at me and got inside. Jean left in a rush and we headed to the supermarket.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Back at home, Jean prepared our meal with care. He cherished the food he bought with the same expression he had as he handed the money over to the merchant. He valued that money and the food it had provided. We ate it slowly, tasting it like it was our last meal.

When we were done it was time for me to go. We cleaned up the kitchen and headed back to the place I had regained consciousness. Since it had not rained yet there were still marks from my hands from where I had grabbed to climb the small slope leading to the river, there were footprints in the dirt I had stepped on before reaching the pavement, but the light was nowhere to be seen.

“I don't understand...” I whispered, reaching the margin of the river.

“Are you sure these are yours?” Jean crouch, examining the footprints.

“Yes, I am.” I placed my feet on top of them to show the match.

“What now?” Jean asked.

“I don't know. Maybe its place has changed? Maybe we should look around?”

“Yeah, let's do that.” Jean agreed and we started to search for it.

We were out there for so long the sun had set by the time we decided to head back home. I was devastated. I just wanted to go back, see my friends and move on with my life, but now I could not even do that.

We headed back to Jean's apartment, had dinner and tried to decide what to do next.

“First I need to get a job. Tomorrow I'll try to find something, maybe beg my boss to take me back of something. Anyway, you can stay at my place until we find a way for you to go back.” Jean said. “Is that okay?”

It was not. I knew that and so did Jean. I should probably stay with Sasha, far away from him as much as I could. But I did not want that. If I had to stay there, I rather be with him.

“Yes, I think it's fine.” I forced a smile.

“I know this is hard. I'll do my best to get you back, okay?” Jean instinctively reached for my cheek but stopped midway. He could not, so he too forced a smile before lowering his hand and heading to the bathroom to take a shower.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Jean found a job about two weeks later. Much like my own Jean, he seemed to be good at what he did, so people were eager to add him to their crew. I, on the other hand, spent my days looking for the light to bring me back home and taking care of Jean's apartment. But no matter how much time passed, the light seemed to be gone forever. I started to wonder if I would ever see my friends again.

It was about five months later when Jean decided to bring up the subject.

“Hey, huh... This seems to be taking longer than we expected so why don't we try talking about it?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“Your world, your friends, anything you want. What did you like to do in your free time?”

“Well, I liked to read.”

“Ohhh, God. Not even in another universe I can get rid of your damn books!” Jean threw himself back dramatically, laughing.

“Jean complained about them too. He was always like 'Armin, come on, put the book down. I wanna have sex!'” I mocked.

“It's like looking into a mirror that leads to another dimension.” Jean smiled. “What were they about?”

“The outside. The ocean, the sand place, what was it called here?”

“Desert.”

“Yes, that. Deserts, oceans, different lands to explore. I wish I could see it at least once!”

“Wow.” Jean chuckled.

“W-What?” I asked, embarrassed about my own behavior.

“You get as excited about this as my Armin did. He was always talking about traveling, going places he's never been to. But mostly he wanted to go somewhere where we could get married and be accepted.”

“You told me you didn't have access to marriage equality. But what do you mean by 'accepted'? Did someone oppose you and Armin being in a relatinship or something?”

“Well, yeah. 'Cause we're both men, you know.”

“I-I really don't. What if you're both men? People care about it that much?”

“Huh, yeah. Gays get killed just for existing around here. If anyone from the government finds out you're gay, you're instantly condemned to death.”

“You're joking!” I felt my heart being crushed inside my chest. I could not grasp that concept. People died just because they fell in love? It made no sense to me.

“You don't get any kind of punishment in your world!?” Jean asked, his eyes filled with shock.

“No! Honestly, my superiors once caught me and you... You know... And I wasn't even expelled from the army!” I ended up confessing, before feeling the shame growing across my face.

Jean's eyes were so widened I feared they might pop our of his head. There seemed to be a hundred thoughts going through his head at once.

“Your superiors caught us fucking and did _nothing_?” Jean asked slowly, as if he was checking if pigs could fly.

“Oh, no, they did. I mean, Levi was _mad_. He shouted, and he never does. It was an accident of course, but I wanted to die. I was _so_ embarrassed.” I hid my face in my hands. “I don't know if he heard us or what, he just entered the room and saw it. We had to clean the stables, the toilets, everything for months. Eren was _so_ mad at you...”

“Wait, is there an Eren Yeager over there too?”

“You know about Eren?” I looked up at him, my heart beating fast. Eren was my best friend in this world too.

“Yeah, he... Kinda hates me.” Jean replied with a bitter smile.

“You don't get along in my world either. I guess some things don't change, no matter what.” I chuckled.

“True, true.” Jean nodded and chuckled too. “He blamed me for what happened to Armin. I did too, actually. I know it wasn't my fault, but it really felt like it. And Eren was really angry at first.”

“But he did he forgive you?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“It took him a while, but yeah. A few days before I found you, he called and apologized.”

“That's good to know.” I smiled at him. “You should forgive yourself too. I'm not him, but...”

I placed my hand on top of Jean's, across the table.

“If it was me, on his place, I would want you to forgive yourself. He _chose_ to fight by your side. He was willing to risk it all for the greater good.” I explained.

“I could be the one saying that to you.” Jean smiled at me, holding my hand.

“It's not the same.” I took my hand away slowly, not wanting to let go. “My Jean died to save me. It wasn't something he did because it would, I don't know, save the world or anything.”

“Yes, it was. It was to save his world. His own, personal world.”  
My heart skipped one or two beats at that. Maybe that man was right. He might be from another world, but he was still Jean. It was not just their appearances that were similar, but their personalities too.

Still, forgiving myself was easier said than done. I knew it was not my fault, but forgiving myself felt like I was abandoning my Jean forever. It felt like I did not care about his death.

“You know, we spend all day working or looking for some random light that may or may not be there...” Jean started, trying to change the subject. “We never have fun. We never go out and enjoy ourselves. I think maybe we should.”

I was not sure if I wanted to, but at that moment it seemed like a good idea. Maybe it would take my worries away from me for a few hours.

“Okay. Where should we go?”

“Have I ever told you about night clubs?”

 

\-----------------------------

 

We got to the so called “club” and Jean approached the guard. His body was large and his face quite scary, but he seemed reliable. They exchanged looks and the guard looked at Jean from head to toe, doing the same to me right after.

“I'm here to have fun.” Jean said, giving the guard a quick pat on he arm.

“Go ahead, brother.” The guard moved from his spot, letting me and Jean get in.

They seemed to have exchanged some kind of code that allowed us to enter. The loud music in the room filled my ears and my mind as soon as we got in. It sounded nothing like the music I knew. The beat made the room vibrate and my body wanted to move on its on.

Though people in the room were dancing, they all had their eyes on us. Jean put his right arm to the front of his body and touched his chest with his closed hand. It reminded me of the salute we had done so many times over the years, making me remember the Jean from my world.

All the others in the room looked at me and, as instructed, I followed Jean's lead, making the same gesture. Everyone seemed reassured and gestured us back before going back to their dancing.

However, this time I could see a few couples kissing and others doing something that might have been considered clothed sex. I happened to realize all of the couples were of the same sex, which reminded me of Jean's words. _“Gays get killed just for existing around here.”_. So that's what all the secrecy was about. That what this club was all about. Being trapped in order to be safe, just like my world. Except that the titans were not the enemies, the government was. Jean was right when he said they had walls, just different ones.

“Hey. Wanna dance?” Jean asked, standing in front of me.

“Not like _that_.” I made sure to clarify, using my head to indicate one of the bold couples on the dance floor.

“Damn.” Jean faked disappointment, shaking his fist once in front of his body and laughing.

I had never been one of the best dancers, even in my world. In fact, I was more fighter than dancer, and I was no fighter, that's for sure. I could defend myself and fight if needed, but I was no Mikasa. I was not even a Connie for that matter.

My heart ached as I remembered my friends, my life. Just the thought of not being able to see them ever again made my heart shrink inside my chest. Jean must have noticed because he touched my cheek with his hand, lifting my face.

“We'll find a way to get you back. Don't worry. Just try to take your mind of this for a while, okay?” Jean asked in a caring tone.

“I know, I'm sorry. Thank you.”

I took his hand away. His touch felt way too familiar. Little did I know that the touch of our hands would be much harder to break apart. I searched his hand but could not find the rough calluses from holding swords. Even so, I recognized the shape, the size, the kind touch of his fingers.

I felt terrible. The guilt flooded my heart, but my hand would not let go of his no matter what. I barely noticed our bodies nearly touching.

“Armin.” Jean's voice brought me back. “Let go.”

“I-I know.” I looked up to see Jean's sorrowful look. “I'm sorry.”

We tried to take our mind out of things. The music made us stay apart, but my embarrassment actually helped the whole situation. It made me so uncomfortable that Jean started to make his stupid jokes. Even if there were a thousand different worlds, I am sure Jean would be making fun of me in every single one of them.

Everything went back to normal and we were having fun until I spotted a familiar face in the crowd. I recognized that face at the very second I saw it. Seeing Reiner again made a shiver run down my spine. Fear took over my whole body. How could I explain to Jean how dangerous that man was? Reiner looked at me and I instinctively reached for my non-existent sword. But he did nothing. He smiled and waved, receiving a greeting from Jean.

“He exists in your world too?” Jean asked as Reiner approached.

“Huh, yes, he...”

“Cool! Look, he's coming. Just try to act natural.”

“Hey guys! Long time no see! I heard you were there when they... You know. I thought you were dead.”

“Yeah, no. We're survived.” I could hear Jean's pain in that sentence.

“I'm glad, man. Good to see you. Enjoy.”

Reiner gave Jean a hug and I had to admit my anger boiled at that. Seeing the man that contributed, in some way, to the death of my Jean hugging his other self hurt me deeply. Jean obviously noticed that.

“What's wrong?”

“Reiner, he... Is he your friend?” I asked.

“Yeah, he's one of us. I mean, he doesn't fight, but he helps us when we get beat up.”

“You shouldn't trust him. In my world he's one of the greatest traitors of mankind.”

“What?” Jean glanced at Reiner. “No way. Reiner is a great guy, he always patches us up, he offers his house to us...”

“I know, but trust me. If you, Eren and I are the same, he probably is too. Please be careful.” I begged, holding Jean's hand.

“Sure, yeah. Thanks for the warning.” Jean did not seem to have much faith in me, though I could see he wanted to.

“Anyway, it's getting late. We should go home. I gotta work tomorrow.”

“Yes, of course. Thank you for bringing me here.” I smiled and we left.

I would be lying if I had said I did not notice our hands still connected, that I forgot about our agreement. But I would also be lying if I said I wanted to let go. I missed my friends, I missed the world I did not have a chance to explore, but the thing I missed the most was Jean. And I had him now. Right there, next to me, holding my hand. So I pretended not to notice until Jean let go of it, as soon as we left the club. It felt like he was ripping a tiny piece of my heart.

“We can't do it outside.” He said, not looking at me.

I nodded in agreement and we returned to Jean's apartment.

 

\-----------------------------

 

The night ended the same way the others had. No talking, no discussing the obvious feelings we had for each other, and following the “no touching” rule. But in my heart I knew that was neither right or healthy. So I decided to discuss it with Jean the next morning.

“What do you want me to say, Armin?” He asked, his usual grumpiness showing. Jean had never the easiest person to talk to when his feelings were involved. “You want me to ask you to stay?”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“I don't know. You're not my Armin, and...”

“You're also not my Jean, but I-...” I wanted to say it. I wanted to admit my feelings for him, but I could not. It felt like I was somehow betraying my Jean.

“I gotta go to work. You should try to look for the light again.”

The weight of Jean's work fell over my heart and there was nothing I could say. I nodded and he left. I gathered my strength and left soon after to find my way back home.

 

\-----------------------------

 

After almost a year of search I was starting to lose hope. My love for Jean, this Jean, had become more and more intense with the passing days and I felt he understood my feelings. We did not have the many years of bond I had with my Jean, but I still felt like this was the place I was supposed to be. Though I understood that, there was still nothing I could do. He wanted me gone and I had to leave. No matter how sweet and graceful he was to me, it was nothing but a courtesy to someone he once knew.

We were at home that night. I read a book on the bed when he entered the room.

“...He's never coming back.” He said.

“Excuse me?” I asked, trying to follow his thoughts.

“Armin. He's never coming back. Neither is your Jean.”

“...No, they are not.” I closed my book. Had the pain became just a little bit weaker?

“I love you.” He said, like a lost child in a crowd.

I did not know how to respond to that. My heart raced and my breath was lost. Jean approached the bed and held my face between his hands.

“Jean, I'm not...”

“I know.” Jean whispered, so close to me I could feel his breath on my lips.

“I love you too.” I confessed what my heart had been saying for so long and closed the space between our lips.

Everything happened so slowly we could have stopped anytime. I could have told him to stop as we kissed, with all the love we had kept locked inside ourselves for so long. I could have pushed him away as he undressed me, or as he touched me with the delicacy of a flower. Maybe even as our bodies entwined in a loving, intense mess. But I never wanted to stop. All I wanted was to stay with this man forever.

“Stay.” He said, panting, as drops of sweat fell from his forehead, straight on my hair sprawled on the bed. “Please don't leave me.”

“I won't.” I promised, with my arms beside my head. One of his hands held mine, while the other rested on my thigh. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Jean confessed, taking my lips on his and moving again, driving me to the edge of sanity.

 

I did not look for my light the next day. Nor the day after that. In fact, I decided not to look for it anymore. I was happy after such a long time and I could not risk ruining that.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Over two months, I had just gone to Sasha's place to bring her lunch. Jean had asked me to do so, as some kind of payment for all she had done for him. She insisted it was not necessary but Jean insisted even more. And when it came to stubbornness Jean would never lose to anyone.

I passed by the bakery and bought Jean his favorite bread and a sweet for myself. We would eat together, watching a movie or just chatting about nothing. I was thinking about what I would prepare for Jean that night when I noticed something on the corner of my eyes. I froze and turned back slowly.

Right there, under the overpass, my light had reappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


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